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[03 Dec 2009|09:08pm] |
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I had a rant to write but I've forgotten it. It was about trying to be acultural and how I feel like I'll never have anyone to relate to. Inspiring stuff. It's a shame.
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| Noteable happenings. |
[02 Dec 2009|11:18pm] |
- Crying in Stanley Park. Also, seeing a baby dolphin at the aquarium.
- Giving my two-weeks notice and a week later rescinding it and deciding to stay because homelessness is not all that appealing and Christmas is easier to deal with when you have money.
- Getting my taxes for 2007 and 2008 filed so the government can sort out this $900 bill they think I owe for MSP (I've been too poor to be required to pay anything for it).
- Learning that the company that I work for has it on file that I've worked 1000 hours less than I actually have. This is being looked into and soon the union will be involved. I should be making more per hour than I am.
- Being moved into the relines department at work. Solid schedule of 7 - 3:30, Monday to Friday, and I get to work entirely on my own. No idiots can ruin what I put effort into.
- Fighting with Laura and realizing that no woman will ever meet my standards.
I left out many details because I have no love for my life.
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[08 Nov 2009|09:49pm] |
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Is sober love really love?
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[31 Oct 2009|10:57pm] |
This is the second day I've been on 300mg. I'm supposed to start feeling the effects of the medicine now, so I'll probably be updating this soon.
In other news, my girlfriend and I don't love each other, but we're not quitting yet.
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[23 Oct 2009|09:29pm] |
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T-shirts and jeans are hot. Much hotter than low-cut and skin-tight whatevers.
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[21 Oct 2009|09:46pm] |
I've had lyrics and story ideas forming in my head during the last couple of days. Little blips of inspiration. So, I think the medicine might be working. I'm also enjoying music again, or more than previously anyway.
I've been eating like shit lately, just gobbling up everything in sight. I feel like I can't stop. I'm not physically well in other ways, either. Side-effects, I think. Although, I checked my blood pressure and it's still about 125/75. I guess this means I won't have a stroke. I'm a little worried about my arteries though - my diastolic blood pressure is always disproportionately lower than my systolic. So there's got to be blockage somewhere, right? I need to exercise.
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| There Will Be Blog |
[19 Oct 2009|10:54pm] |
Forcing myself to write. I haven't noticed any changes in my mood that can't be attributed to the extra time off of work, which just happened to coincide with the beginning of my medication.
It's really hard to get myself to stick with plans and remain interested in things I initially get mildly excited about -- this is normal, but I'm really beginning to annoy myself with this habit. Don't really know how to stop doing it though. If I force myself to do something I don't feel like doing, it majorly affects me in a negative way. Even if I suffer through it. I'm embittered and I withdraw from others further.
I'm complicated. The doctor said I should get counseling. I feel like it's going to be a big waste of time, but to be completely honest, the idea of having someone invested in my mind like some sort of tricky puzzle makes me feel good. Or, it would. But I think I'm going to be extremely resistant to counseling. I don't trust easily and I think there are some beliefs they'd want to change that they could never convince me to change. I have pretty much accepted that I'm going to be depressed to some degree for the rest of my life. I've also convinced myself that people who aren't depressed are idiots. I bet you think there's a defense mechanism at work. I think you're right. Can anyone help me understand? Or change?
How does one make oneself care?
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[16 Oct 2009|11:05pm] |
I'm starting Wellbutrin tomorrow morning. I figure I should track changes in my thinking and moods, so I'll be posting more.
I'm really tired and it's hard to think.
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| Things that make half-sense. |
[09 Oct 2009|09:35pm] |
Before you know it, your life will be over, and there won't be any time left to waste not doing the things you really want to or should do.
Hm. Nope, not motivating.
Is there medication to alleviate the symptoms of nihilistic anguish? I guess you have to treat the cause - but we don't deal in faith here.
I get the impression that everyone is a coward in some way, but some people express their cowardice in an honest and authentic way while others fool themselves with their own bravado.
I can't live up to my own standards, so why call them my standards? Maybe I should be someone else, or learn to love the people whose standards I do meet. It seems like I can only define myself as a thing that is too pure for a dirty world. Not competent or practically valuable, but fundamentally better. Uncorrupted by the human experience. All-or-nothing, fragile ego.
This counts as writing.
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| Could you reassamble a human being from his basest components? |
[23 Jul 2009|02:38am] |
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I think the trouble I have with being at peace and just being able to rest has a lot to do with feeling like many things in my life are unresolved or unsettled. There's a definite lack of certainty in any form; I'm more a man of doubt than anything else. Of course I don't live in doubt because I enjoy feeling like there is nothing I can rely on. I am this way because I'm extremely sensitive to let-downs and I have learned from past experiences that things one can think to be certainly true can easily turn out to be completely untrue. This applies more with people than with the physical universe, obviously, but I'm not panicking about the possibility that gravity will suddenly stop doing its thing. In that case, I wouldn't get emotional, I'd be shocked and probably die soon after, but I think I'd be more curious than concerned.
I can't accept that I'm desirable. I can't accept that I could have anything to contribute. Well, I'm at a point now where I barely care about contributing anything because my ambitions have eroded gradually into smooth, easy apathy. It's still one of the things I'd rate myself on when appraising my worth. Nobody's feedback means anything to me. I wonder if this means I'm becoming a sociopath. Or maybe it's just my doubt puncturing holes in compliments and praise before they can reach my self-esteem. I think, they don't know how terrible I really am, the kinds of things I think, how little I feel for others. But I don't feel like I'm a worse example of a human being than most. That's the most discouraging part. Everyone's standards are too low. I do more than scrape by in their books. They're not in my books and I'm only there on some kind of waiting list. I believe I have described a superiority/inferiority complex. If I was religious I'd probably blow myself up somewhere for some reason. That'll show 'em.
I wonder if it isn't all just twisted rationalization. If she loves me, her standards aren't high enough for me to love her. No, I don't feel that way anymore. I do however feel extremely alone, maybe moreso than before, because I'm reaching out for understanding, craving meaningful exchange, but I get silence, mostly. So the wheels of doubt start spinning. Suspicion and self-loathe are like the devil and angel on my shoulder. I think they often agree, though, so I'm free to speculate myself into a frenzied state of insecurity. I don't love me. I don't like me. And I'm bad at accepting a difference of opinion on matters I consider important, especially in close relationships. Interpersonal conflict is too much to deal with. My judgmental nature and the assumption that I usually have sound logic also lead me to lose respect in cases of major disagreement.
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[15 Jul 2009|01:57pm] |
I don't know why I don't update more often.
I have mono. Originally the doctor at the clinic diagnosed me with strep throat and put me on penicillin. I took the penicillin for 3 days but I was getting worse and not better, so I went back. I knew it wasn't strep throat. It didn't feel like it, and my lymph nodes in my neck were so swollen, it was hard to see that I had a jaw or chin. I had blood work done, and ended up going to the emergency because my tonsils were so swollen I was having trouble breathing and would only get 20 minutes of sleep at a time. I'd wake up whenever I had to swallow because doing so required effort and fucking hurt. Well, in the emergency, the nurse who flirted with me in front of Laura told me I needed to take a greater amount of Advil than I had been taking, as I am a 'decent-sized person'. That did the trick. In the span of a day, my swollen tonsils were completely reduced to normal size. I'm feeling much better, although I now have a nagging cough that kind of throws my whole body into a painful convulsion. I'm able to sleep much better, though.
I had to postpone my move, which would have been happening tomorrow. I'm really disappointed about this. I wanted to escape this shithole for good, but I have to last another two weeks. The upside to missing so much work and being at home is that I have ample time to pack my shit and get ready. Actually, I'm going to go finish packing my books now.
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[17 Jun 2009|02:55am] |
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I feel like I really don't want to die right now.
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| What else is new. |
[12 Jun 2009|02:17am] |
I have recently become mildly obsessed with Transformers. The toys that currently exist feature some amazing engineering - they are nothing like the 3-steps-to-convert toys I had when I was a kid.
I'm moving in mid July. My rent will be $600/month and I'll be like 5 blocks from work. I'll be living with my mom's ex-boyfriend Ken, whom I always got along with well. We're both very quiet and neither of us drinks. I am looking forward to being able to actually relax and possibly focus enough to read again. I miss mental activity.
Things with Laura are good. It's almost been 2 months now, feels like a lot longer. I feel like we're adapting to one another's communication styles better, and I am making some progress with my trust issues, I think. I often think I should not be in a relationship because of how complicated, ambivalent, and numb I can be. I guess I have to let her do as she pleases.
My allergies are really bad. Sleeping is even more difficult because of nasal congestion and an itchy throat. Antihistamines don't work for more than a few hours. The increased severity of my allergy symptoms is definitely due to the pollen I've seen floating around. Oh, it looks friendly and fluffy, but it has a malicious master-plan...
I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'm not a complete piece of shit.
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[01 Jun 2009|02:37pm] |
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The only thing holding me back from enjoying my life is my inability to experience joy. I keep thinking, maybe if I'm able to get a few good sleeps, things will improve. I can't ever count on getting a good sleep, though. It's either too noisy for me to fall asleep, so I stay up or try to sleep on the couch before realizing it's far too uncomfortable for me to sleep there, or it's finally quiet and I stay up just to enjoy the peace and recharge my batteries. My fucked up sleep pattern also makes me eat more irregularly; I often end up snacking at night, and this doesn't help being able to sleep. It's a big mess. I need to move...and my hours are getting cut at work. My paycheque next time around will be half of what it normally is. Again, I end up contemplating finding other work. I feel unqualified to do anything other than lifting and organizing things, however. I need to change a lot, but I'm not sure what's the most logical place to start. It may seem very simple, but there's little to motivate me negatively or positively, just because I have this emotional dullness. I sometimes fantasize about living in an unstable third-world nation where I'd have to run or fight just to live - then at least I would feel alive while I was alive. And that is pretty sick.
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[20 May 2009|01:20pm] |
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Is the song 'She Will Be Loved' by Maroon 5 about rape? It sure sounds like it is.
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[14 Apr 2009|01:09am] |
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Life is surreal. I mean, it honestly doesn't feel real. What an amazing day. I am scared witless.
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[09 Apr 2009|11:32am] |
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mood |
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 good |
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I think I'm really lucky. I think she's really wonderful. I think I'm really worried.
I get a whole day with her on Monday. I now have the inspiration to write a short-story about a man who builds a time-machine in order to travel 4 days into the future. I'd have him end up 4 years into the future instead, because he's basically me and I can't allow anything good to happen to him -- not while I'm playing god. The tale would lack authenticity. OK, enough being funny. I am actually excited and am experiencing a smidgen of hopefulness. Tastes kind of like milk chocolate. I'm allergic to dairy and chocolate. Look at that, my subconscious is continuing to fuck with me.
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[07 Apr 2009|01:34am] |
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I think I'm really nuts.
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[22 Mar 2009|12:55am] |
So, I am moving, but not to the place I thought I was. We are moving, however. People are looking in the paper and on craigslist. There is hope.
I called in sick today because I hated my face. Apparently some weird stuff happened at work in my absence and I feel extra guilty for not going in because I was distraught over something I'm assured by smarter people is superficial.
I got to talk to someone I rarely talk to these days. Years ago, we discovered each other almost completely randomly and our first conversation lasted over 10 hours. When we talk now, it's pretty much the same as it was then, like we're mentally linked. Even without talking on a regular basis, we pick up like no time has passed at all. It would be just like that if my memory wasn't so poor -- but the remembrances during our conversation are wonderful, like coming across a box of things in your attic that you'd thought you lost a long time ago and forgotten about. You dig into the box and there are your favourite toys from when you were a kid. Maybe the analogy isn't accurate enough, because I could imagine old toys not having the same enjoyability as they did when you first had them, and in this case the things I rediscover have the same potency. The effect seems even greater because my life is greyer than these energizing feelings. We also played Brawl and I lost a lot.
I think I should update more often, keep writing until I'm good at it again.
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| MOVING |
[10 Mar 2009|09:06pm] |
I've talked to my mom and sister and we might be moving in a month and a half. Em wants to move out on her own or with a roommate, so she wouldn't be with us permanently. My mom's fiance would be living with us too, but it should be fine. We can keep a respectful distance and sometimes even enjoy each other's company. The place we're thinking of is actually the floor above my aunt and uncle in the house they just moved into after their previous home was destroyed by flooding. 3 bedrooms, a fireplace, and a patio. The rent is probably around $2000 with utilities, but once my sister is gone, we could easily rent out a room to a student attending Capilano University as we'd be incredibly close (right next to Phibbs Exchange). If it's just me, mom, and her fiance, the rent is $700 each split evenly. I think I could make that work. Ultimately rent should be cheaper for everyone, though, with another person occupying the room my sister will intially be in.
I'm also thinking it would be a good idea to take the assitant manager position at work, if only for a couple of years, to save up money and pay off debt. I could do this if I moved and was somewhere quiet! There's hope of reclaiming my life and regaining clairty of mind.
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